We recently went on a week-long vacation to the Austrian Alps to celebrate our anniversary and Christmas. We were surrounded by the beauty of the mountains and the serene peacefulness of seclusion. Mr. Meena was on an extended break from his job, which gave him more time to help out with the mundane, everyday chores of life that tend to bring me down. I was expecting a blissful week full of making s’mores, drinking our favorite beverage (white Russians), and lazy winter walks by the frozen lake.
What I wasn’t expecting was a full depressive episode on day three.
On the first day of vacation (Sunday), we were lazy and happy – gazing at the Alps from the couch in the living room. On the second day we gathered the energy to walk to the lake and skip rocks across its mostly frozen surface. But on the third day, Tuesday, I could barely get out of bed in the morning. When I did get up I only moved to the daybed, which we had moved to lay next to the warm interior chimney. I could barely move for several hours. I could hardly form cohesive thoughts.
Originally we had planned to visit Neuschwanstein Castle on that day, and Mr. Meena became (understandably) frustrated with the unexpected change in plans. Not that it was really a change, more of an inability to do… anything.
I remember that the sun came out and shined through the front windows – so that I was warmed by the sun in my face and the fire at my back. I remember Mr. Meena making lunch for me when I couldn’t do so. I remember trying to be happy to have a day of rest. But a depressive episode is not the same thing as a day of rest. Instead of feeling relaxed and restored you feel numb, guilty, ashamed, or totally out of control of your mind and emotions.
I had recovered by the next morning and felt incredibly relieved. Who wants to spend their dream vacation in a depressive daze? But I couldn’t help but wonder at the audacity of my depression to show up in a place where I was supposed to be happy.
Happiness was supposed to be unrivaled during this vacation; it should have battled depression and emerged victorious. But it didn’t.
Oftentimes movies will portray joy that is stronger than pain – but that isn’t reality. My joy hasn’t developed immunity to the depression in my life. At least not yet. If I’m not safe from my depression when I’m on holiday in the Alps, then when will I ever be safe from it?
I’m afraid the answer might be never.
Yet, there are some small advantages that I can seize from such a sad day. It made me more thankful for a vacation with my husband and more eager to make the most of the moments when I could be happy. It made me realize that even the happiest days might be seasoned with a dose of painful reminders. And perhaps most of all, it might me remember why it’s important to fight against the strong pull of depression every day.
My joy hasn’t developed immunity to the depression in my life. Click To TweetI think it’s important to acknowledge these moments. The ones that aren’t right for Instagram or bring an awkward pause into regular conversation. People don’t usually want to hear about the heavy weight of my depression during an otherwise lovely holiday retreat. But I can’t let my depression off the hook – I’ve got to hold it accountable for what it’s done to me and remember how serious a threat it poses. Depression, like many other mental illnesses, needs to be acknowledged and treated.
But if you gave me the chance, I would pay enormously to send my depression off to a faraway island for an extended vacation.
Featured photo by Daniel licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0. Above photo modified by My Meena Life.
My dear Ava….My heart grieves for you. Depression is like an undertow, in so many ways. You may or may not be able to tell when conditions are "ripe" for it; regardless, it can suck you down, making you feel helpless. I don't have any words of wisdom, other than to keep fighting, just putting one foot in front of the other. Know that you are thought of often, have the love and respect of your family, husband, and friends, and that your worth does not lie in your ability to "do." You are a precious child of God, formed in His image. Hugs and love coming to you from across the sea!
Thank you Aunt Jenn for such an encouraging comment. 🙂 Having a loving and supportive family makes life so much better.
Depression runs in my family and I have a few friends that suffer from it. However out of personal experience I can say: There's also light on the horizon. All of them eventually went to do therapy and lead, except for the occasional bout, very happy and productive lives. However the way was very stony, but definitely worth it. Have you considered visiting a therapist? There are tons of them, your insurance, private or public, will pay for it and since the people becoming therapists are academically the top of the food chain in Germany, they'll probably be able to speak English fluently, so communication won't be a matter. Also, you can visit several of them and then pick the one you like best. Also, as a side effect, they all became very sporty, because running supossedly helps a lot and they were require to do it some time into the therapy. 🙂
Hey Sarah!
Thanks for your encouragement! I've been having more good days lately and I'm optimistic about improving. I've been nervous about visiting a therapist. I guess I'm afraid of the cultural differences sometimes (ie, is the German going to tell me to suck it up or something?). I know that is quite unlikely but it still makes me nervous. Since you've given them such a high recommendation I will try to find one here. That's interesting about the sporty part! 🙂
I understand you'd feel nervous about them – I mean, who wouldn't? But I can promise you without a doubt: If the therapist tells you to suck it up, he's a bad one and has no idea what he's talking about. Take one you like. If you aren't comfortable with them, then … just leave them and get a new one. And yeah, my family and friends, they all started running – afterwards they felt much better and it helped them to deal. Also it produces happy hormones which made them fell not quite as bad on bad days. They started small with like doing walking and taking walks and gradually it went up. 🙂
You're so right. At least I'd get a walk to the therapists office. 😉
One can only hope their depression will not ruin a vacation, but that's usually when it creeps up. Glad you were able to pull yourself out of it so quickly. Found you on Mental Heath Moments Monthly Link Up.
Thanks for reading! You're so right – and vacation is the one place we are supposed to be more relaxed.