Me vs. Medication.

I hate taking medication.

I always have, even when I was just a child with a cold (that syrup was nasty). Yet, as someone who has (so far) accumulated two chronic illnesses, taking medication isn’t really optional at this point. (Update: now I have three.) I’ve been on so many different medications already: anti-inflammatories, corticosteroids, anti-malarials, anti-depressants, opiates, muscle relaxers – the list goes on.

My biggest issue with medication is that it never gives me something without taking something else away. Or giving me something that I don’t want in the form of side effects. I would like to offer some translations of these side effects:

What it says: dry mouth.
What it means: excessive water consumption.

What it says: nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea.
What it means: multiple trips to the bathroom.

What it says: dizziness.
What it means: falling over on those multiple trips to the bathroom.

What it says: tremors.
What it means: dropping your phone a lot.

What it says: increased sweating.
What it means: changing your sheets and showering more often.

What is says: drowsiness.
What it means: you will say really ridiculous things to your spouse while falling asleep.

What it says: decreased sex drive or impotence.
What it means: you and/or your spouse are about to go through a really tough time.

What it says: using this medication with an NSAID may cause you to bruise or bleed easily.
What it means: if this medicine doesn’t work, don’t take another one.

What it says: avoid drinking alcohol, which can increase some of the side effects of this medication.
What it means: medication induced sobriety, yay!

What it says: this medication may impair your thinking or reactions.
What it means: you will be a zombie.

What it says: do not use this medication at a time when muscle tone is needed to assure safe balance and movement for certain activities.
What it means: you don’t get to have fun.

The alternative to life with chronic pain is life with chronic side effects (and still some chronic pain). I don’t want to be overly dependent on medicine, but my wants aren’t really in control of my body anymore. I know that medicine can be life saving – I’m not anti big pharma. But taking a lot of medication scares me, despite my masters degree in toxicology. I know that medicine can harm my body, especially if I take too much for too long or combine it with the wrong thing. Part of this fear stems from my father’s cause of death (liver failure). Death is not just a disclaimer, it’s a reality for some people.

I hate that I need the medicine. I hate that I’ve gotten to this point. I hate some of the meds make it hard to me to drive or think or feel. I hate what the medication represents. I hate my loss of control over my body. I hate that when my pain is off the charts, when I’m on the floor crying because it hurts so much and I see no other option but to take the pain medicine, it still feels like I’m giving up.

Me vs. medication as a chronically ill person. Click To Tweet